Father’s day
On Father’s Day we see so many posts about the love and guidance we get from our fathers. We hear testimonials from children describing how their fathers have positively, or negatively, in some cases, influenced their lives. We have T.V. Programs dedicated to the love we have for our male parent. What I don’t see very often is something by the father evoking his love of the gift of being a father.
The day she was born, I was in the room and saw the doctor cut her mothers tummy open. The room was calm and ordered. All the attendants were professional and understated. Her Mom was sedated yet conscience and we talked a little about the procedure and our future.
There was a little excitement when the baby was pulled out of her mothers’ tummy, yet it seemed so routine to every one in the room. To me, it was anything but routine.
I had helped to create a new life. What had I done? All of my adult life I had avoided this very thing, yet there she was, warm and swaddled, in my arms looking at me. I thought her eyes said something like, “Here I am, you better take good care of me.”
I remember going to work at Doc’s and closing the place, then heading to the hospital and merely sitting with that precious little thing wondering how I was going to deal with this HUGE responsibility I had created. The nurses on the floor seemed to think I was doing well, when I would go to their room, they always said, “Hello Mr. Turner,” and smiled.
The truth is, for the first few years of The Runtyun’s life I failed my oath as a father. Though I came home after work everyday and doted over my precious charge, I was drowning in selfishness and self-destruction. Yet through it all, I tempered my excesses, knowing that there was a precious life dependent on me and my ability to get my shit together.
After many trials and much pain, one day I just realized that if I did not stand and grow up, my precious charge was going to be taken. I am still a selfish ass and still deal with demons on a daily basis. However, I do it after I have taken care of my small family.
As a father, I can see the world from a fresh place. She does not have my history to shade her every thought. Her brain is fresh and unpoisoned by my life's influences. Seeing a squirrel jumping from branch to branch, chasing another, or sitting on a branch nibbling an acorn, is new and exciting to her! I get to experience the wonders of the world with her all over again!
My little Runtyun continually brings a smile to my scowling face. She will say something, out of the blue that just brings reality back to my clouded view. Her thinking is not jaded by a personal history yet, so she sees things in ways that I have forgotten.
When we go places and she looks at me to explain something, it is with the wide eyed trust of innocence and love. In the past, I have betrayed that trust, but she is strong and seems to have an inner strength guiding her and sometimes me, in the right direction.
When I wake in the morning, the first thing I do is look in on her while she is still sleeping. Oh, she is so innocent and sweet. My heart cries out to her. I have done the things I have done, and it is my fortune to look ahead, yet learn from those things and build a future for my precious little Runtyun.
This is Father's Day and I treasure the love, trust and responsibility of being a Father. My bundle of swaddled baby is growing up, yet she still comes to me and asks questions that will help define her for the rest of her life.
I have grown and matured with my little one and I see her love of me in her eyes. I am a lucky man to have her in my life. I just hope I am worthy of her trust and love.
Mostly though, I hope I will be there for her, when she needs me, like my Father is.
olc
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