Here we go again

Feb 25, 2020

I cannot seem to hold a thought for more than a couple of seconds. Even now I forget what it was that I was trying to say.  I say that I let myself get distracted, but is that true? Or is my brain even capable of holding a thought for more than a couple of moments?

Who wants to admit that they cannot think in cohesive thoughts?  

good night.

February 24, 2020

A couple of nights ago I had an epiphany of a sort. I was working, cleaning up the meat cutting room when it came to me that I am really 59 years old and have accomplished very little in this life which I am living. I want my life to have meaning, a purpose maybe. Yet, while I am at work the most common thing I say to myself  is, “I don’t care.” There really is nothing that I am doing in my life that I care about.

I have no direction.

My place is a mess since we moved there. I have not been able to find a place to put my stuff and I have become complacent over the disarray. All of my photo gear is still packed up even though I could be doing something with it. I have all of this stuff that I could be selling on eBay or someplace. There is lots of stuff I could be trading on-line, I am just not motivated.

I even have a plan on how to do it, I just need to start doing and stop merely planning.

Here is a for instance: I have been wanting to restart this journal of thoughts for almost 2 weeks, but every time I start to work on it I let myself be distracted by the next interesting thing on YouTube.

This malaise I am describing kind of reminds me of what Dad is going through. He has a hard time initiating anything. As his dementia grows he seems less and less motivated. I personally, am struggling against that. And it is a hard, hard battle.

Out of the mouths of babes

The other day, the Runtyun and I were getting ready to do something, I forget what, and I was chillin’ on the couch. She kept on finding things she needed to do to get ready and kept sayin she was almost ready. I have heard this song and dance before, so I pulled my phone out and started surfing around.

She could tell that I was getting impatient at one point and said she was almost ready.

“No problem, my little Runtyun, I have all the patience in the world for you. Take your time.” I sighed and went to FaceBook.

“No you don’t, you want to go now,” was her reply.

Of course she was right about that, but I said, “Oh Sweet Stuff, how can you say that? Take your time, you need to be comfortable in your skin. I am patient.” I turned back to WOOT.com.

“Daddy you are not being patient, you are distracting yourself.”

Out of the mouth of babes!

olc

School tests and my failure

Well, it is the end of the school year and time for the kids to see what they have learned. Or as I see it, just how much I have failed in making sure The Runtyun  actually learned something and did her homework.

As you may tell, I am not pleased with how things are going right now. A lot has to do with The Runtyun's drive to do the things she is supposed to, pay attention in school, complete her homework assignments, etc. As much as her ability to do those things is important, it is my responsibility as a father to instill  in her the desire to do them. I am not doing so well in that regard.

I like the way they are tested nowadays, though. The first part is an online set of ten tests that give some kind of base line to work with and reviews what they have learned over the past school year. Unfortunately, we did not understand the due date. Luckily, the teacher emailed me and let me know the situation. Now, here we are aware, and The Runtyun is working very hard to get caught up. I hear her huffing and puffing her way through the testing regimen. She is getting frustrated, but she is keeping at it. She has gotten herself in a situation that is difficult to get out of, yet she will not quit.

I do not like that we are in this situation,  but it makes it easier to know that the Runtyun is trying so hard to make it right. I have sweetened the pot for her to complete the work by saying we will go camping if she can get the work done by a certain time. It will be only one night out, but she seems be working toward that goal.

She is a good kid and I really think she is smarter than I ever was, now I just need to instill in her the drive to work at, and accomplish her goals. Though I never did well in school, I have always been motivated to finish a goal. I hope I can find a way to teach her this characteristic. “Just don't quit because the task in front of you seems insurmountable.” No, that does not work. Try this instead, “If the job ahead is too hard to do, then break it down into easier steps.”

Those words are so easily said, yet so hard to do.

'Nough said.

olc 

tuff decisions

I have a tough series of decisions to make about the future of my daughter's spiritual life. We live in an area that has few other kids close by and I don't get home until supper time. This leaves The Runtyun alone for a long time during the day. This is not a very good situation for her. She just sits around reading and stewing. Not producing anything beneficial for anyone, much less herself.

I had hoped that she would find it within herself to become motivated to do something, anything to better herself. I have given her projects to do, subjects to learn about, in general things to help her to be occupied while alone. She likes to read. Her ability to sit and read is phenomenal, yet useless. I need to find a way to turn that ability into something productive, without my looking over her shoulder and motivating her.

We have worked our way into the Big Brother, Big Sister program. Like her Dad, it took one try to get it right. We went through one Big and found a good match the second time around. So we have some positive action going on.

During a recent meeting with her school counsellor, Ms. Mackey and Mentor, Ms. Nettles, a youth group was suggested called Young Life.  I have done a little research on this group and though it was sold to me as a non religious group, they seem to have very strong Christian influence. 

And of course this is where I my have my problem. I have talked about my beliefs before, so I will not belabour it too much, after all this is about The Runtyun, not me. I do have some reservations about putting her into another Christian oriented youth group. Two specifically. The first is how will it work with her EYC at All Souls? Will there be a conflict between the two beliefs and how can we deal with it? In all honesty, I am quite happy with what goes on with her EYC and am not trying to replace it, but I want to get her out and interacting with more kids her age.The second is a little more profound to me. Do I really want to push her into another Christian group when my belief is so profoundly antagonistic toward religion? What kind of message does this send to her?

Simply stated, Confusing.

So this is the conundrum I have. Does anyone out there have anything to say? Any suggestions, or insights?

olc

What are you Thankful for?

I am thankful for my daughter, she helps me to find my smile.

Good night

I just put my little Runtyun to bed. We talked a little, then I said good night and started to leave her room. She said, "where's my hug?" So I turned and gave her a Big Daddy Goodnight Hug and kiss. She made that funny smile. I left with a smile. through the door I heard, "I love you, Daddy."

No matter what kind of shit goes on during the day, I get to say good night to my little girl. I am a lucky guy.

olc