Cargo shorts and Photog

     So, there I am in the basement working on a really cool photo project for a friend. The music is playing 3 Doors Down and I am in my really comfortable cargo Shorts. My wonderful 16 year old Runtyun comes down and just stars at me. 

     "Yes, I am listening to 3 Doors Down and in my comfy Cargo shorts." The look of horror deepens. "So, what does that make me?"

     A big sigh, "My Dad."

Makes ya' wonder.

Oh, the long road to being settled

Wow so many changes in our world lately. The cat. The move. The Runtyun's boy friend. Birthdays. Invading the space of her Grands. Not to mention the Grinner being broke down. Strife at work. Oh, and the World Series.

Last night, I was in the basement trying to  strategize just how to get the whole mess of the move unpacked and stowed away. About that time the Runtyun and BF come home. So I needed to pay attention to them and their needs for a minute.

Well, it turns out the Runtyun really wants to have her purple Princess mosquito net put up. This thing is like a purple cone which hangs over her bed with jangly things which reflect light. It is a kinda cool thing which adds a little splash to her newly constructed room.

I started to put it up when the cat, Nova, decides to jump up on her bed and pee.

Boy, does cat pee really have a strong smell!

I had made the Runtyun's bed without putting a mattress liner on it, taking the chance nothing would happen. That gamble failed.

And now for a shout out to the kids and their desire to make things right. Ian the BF, did not understand why he had to do all the stuff I asked of him, but he did everything needed to make it better. Not only that, he took it upon himself to give the cat a warm bath.

We think the flea treatment may have caused her bladder issues, so no more of that of the moment. Nova seems to be over her distress,  and we hope there will be no other issues to deal with. For a cat, she is OK. I guess I don't want to use her as an experiment for a new recipe right now, anyhow. She talks to me and makes as much sense as most people I have "real" conversations with. So I guess she is a keeper for a New York Minute.

Tonight we will continue on with settling into our new environment and the net will be installed and I may even get some more "planning" done.

olc

Oh, the long rod to being settled

Wow so many changes in our world lately. The cat. The move. The Runtyun's boy friend. Birthdays. Invading the space of her Grands. Not to mention the Grinner being broke down. Strife at work. Oh, and the World Series.

Last night, I was in the basement trying to  strategize just how to get the whole mess of the move unpacked and stowed away. About that time the Runtyun and BF come home. So I needed to pay attention to them and their needs for a minute.

Well, it turns out the Runtyun really wants to have her purple Princess mosquito net put up. This thing is like a purple cone which hangs over her bed with jangly things which reflect light. It is a kinda cool thing which adds a little splash to her newly constructed room.

I started to put it up when the cat, Nova, decides to jump up on her bed and pee.

Boy, does cat pee really have a strong smell!

I had made the Runtyun's bed without putting a mattress liner on it, taking the chance nothing would happen. That gamble failed.

And now for a shout out to the kids and their desire to make things right. Ian the BF, did not understand why he had to do all the stuff I asked of him, but he did everything needed to make it better. Not only that, he took it upon himself to give the cat a warm bath.

We think the flea treatment may have caused her bladder issues, so no more of that of the moment. Nova seems to be over her distress,  and we hope there will be no other issues to deal with. For a cat, she is OK. I guess I don't want to use her as an experiment for a new recipe right now, anyhow. She talks to me and makes as much sense as most people I have "real" conversations with. So I guess she is a keeper for a New York Minute.

Tonight we will continue on with settling into our new environment and the net will be installed and I may even get some more "planning" done.

olc

The Talk

I finally had the talk with my Runtyun last night. No, not the one about sex and all that. The one which people of a different race and color than us have had with their kids. The one where parents feel the need to tell their kids how to act when a police officer gets involved in their immediate lives.

We are white, my daughter and I, and have enjoyed what is now being called "White Privilege." We live in a world which is in great turmoil. Police shootings and killings, while the victimized people are beginning to realize they can defend themselves. Oh now the blood begins to flow.

We live in a world struggling with racial identity, yet the young among us seem to not care, at least around here. The Runtyun's friends seem to be of all races and identities. I only wish those who influence their thinking could be as open minded. I know I still pigeon whole every one I see. Can you admit it too?

It is how we deal with our prejudices that matters.

Our talk, or my concern, was about what to do if a police officer interjects into their lives. But why should ANY parent have to have this talk with their kids?

I was brought up understanding, believing, the the police are unbiased and we can trust them to do the right thing. For the most part, perhaps that notion still holds true. It only takes a very small one percent to influence the thinking of so many of us what with 24 hour coverage and saturation of a single incident to make us believe every cop out there is out and gunning for us all.

How do we get beyond this impasse? It seems that my standard answer is education. But that solution is a generational one. What do we do TODAY?! Can our world, as we know it, make it beyond these shootings and bombings to be able to "Educate" our youth?

Right now, I just don't know.


olc

An uncomfortable moment

The Runtyun got caught doing bad.

I got a call the other day from her school. The happy voice on the phone identified herself as the Vice Principal for the ninth graders. She asked how was my day going. And I replied,  "Fine, until now."

This got a little chuckle from her and, "I understand."

It turns out that my little girl skipped out of her class using the excuse that she needed to use the restroom. It turns out that she was going to a liaison with a boy. 

She might have gotten away with it, but the school's security system ( It is a shame that we now have to use 1984esc. systems to protect our kids) recorded the whole thing.

Now this is disturbing on so many levels, but this post is not about her. It is about how I handled the whole thing. My first question: was she being coerced  into this thing: was the boy forcing her to kiss him?

No, I was told, it looked like she was participating voluntarily. Well, at least I don't have to do anything stupid.

The voice on the phone and I talked around the whole thing and I felt good about how the school was going to handle it. Finally, I asked the Vice Principal not to tell The Runtyun we had spoken on the phone. I wanted to see if she would come clean about it.

She failed that test. When I asked her if anything different happened at school. I got the normal response: "No, everything is cool." My heart hurt, but I said nothing.

On Saturday, I sent the vice principal a note asking how far they had gone in their showing of affection. I suggested that we could use the old time baseball metaphor, after all it worked in the old Meatloaf song, right?

I was told that nothing really happened. But while I was having this conversation, guess who came into the room. My cover was blown. Now not only did the Runtyun have to tell all, but so did her father.

I saw the fear in her eyes. I determined that I would not overreact. So I asked her what it was all about. She told me pretty much everything that my friend on the phone said.

I was not comfortable with her skipping out of class the way she did, and I let her know it. I told her it was OK to have a boyfriend, though a little confusing. As we talked, I could see she was relaxing, so was I.

I stressed the importance of being honest about all things, at all times, especially with her father.

What I did not do was yell at her, or denounce her as a lying bad person. I did tell her that I was disappointed in he for the deception.  Finally, we hugged and reminded eachother of our love.

olc

Another Conversation

I had to work very late last night and I asked my friend if the Runtyun could go over and hang until I got home. I finally completely accomplished my asigned tasks and got done with work. However, I was an hour later than I thought I would be. It was after 9:30 when I finally made it to get my kid. I was toast, yet happy to see my her. Sometimes just seeing her smile works wonders for my aching brain.

My friend has a child and we both are a little concerned that the two kids may get into trouble together. My friend has more concerns than me. However, they are legitimate and I respect her. Yet, I trust the Runtyun when she says nothing untoward is going on, I believe her. 

When we got home though, I felt the need to have a few words and decided to say a some "profound" things and strengthen the inhibitions I think already exist in her thinking. I wanted to take a different tact than usual, so I tried a  different angle. I related a story from my past and tried to create a parable.

While we were settling in, we talked. The wonderful thing about this moment was the interaction between us that did not carry any words. I was cutting a cantaloup for the next day and she was helping with no encouragement from me and...she was listening to me.   

I told my wonderful daughter about my breakup from Donna. I explained that she always thought that I was going to cheat on her and lie about it. Now, I know that I constantly flirted with women, but explained that I never went further than that. I loved Donna, still do, but could not help my "bad" behaviour. I never did more than talk, nor did I want to. Unfortunately, I could never get my feelings understood.

I was bombarded with accusations, silent and overt. I was shallow and did not realize the needs of the wonderful woman whose heart I was breaking. In my selfish thinking I thought I was doing the right thing, silly me. After a time I got tired of the constant attempts at guilt and finally understood that neither of us was going to change. It was the constant accusations and my inability to grow out of my selfish behaviour that finally broke me. I failed in our relationship and finally gave into temptation.

At this point in our conversation between the Runtyun and me, I tried to bring the conversation back to my attitude toward her relationship with her friend. I explained again my concerns and got the eye rolling thing teens give their parents and asked to her to hear me out.

All the while, we are interacting with no words. I would look at her and she knew what I wanted, or she would look at me with a question, while I answered with a motion.

Finally, I told her that I trusted her, but sometimes felt the urge to remind her what is good and not so good behaviour, or acceptable and not. I told her that she is old enough to know what I expect, but that I wanted to remind her EVERY TIME I saw her, yet held back from doing so. I told her I knew that may just push her into doing the things I did not want her to do.

She said she understood what I was trying to say and that I could trust her. She want on to say that she really liked her friend and thought she liked her in return, but....

And this is where she lost her words. I let her stumble around a bit. Then silence. After a bit, I suggested that they could ruin a very special thing if they were not careful. The tension and anxiety seemed to flow from her. And she said, "Yeah."

I reminded her how special they both are. I told her they were both going through a stage in life and needed each other to get through this part of their lives and how tragic it would be if they ruined their friendship by doing an impulsive thing.

We hugged. I washed my face and collapsed into bed. After a minute, she came into my room to say good night and tried to leave. I called her back for a good night kiss and she said, "Boy you sure are needy tonight, Dad."   

olc

A conversation

The Runtyun and I had been going at it a little over the past few days. I did not like some of the things she had been doing, blaming others for problems she could have averted. Generally, she was being passive and blaming it on others. I did not have the words to make her understand my frustration. The tension was tight and words had been said. I want her to understand that she needs to take ownership of difficult situations and not "Be a Victim."

Well, the truth is, I let things sit in my brain and they fester and grow infected and sometimes they burst like a boil pinched out by a bored teenager. Frankly, I was tired of her pushing her problems on me and then doing nothing to make it right and I let her know in no uncertain terms of my frustrations.

A sleepover with a friend was in the works and I encouraged her to go. It does not take much to get her to go to these things, even at the best of times. But, I was a little concerned that she might not be able to let loose of her anger and frustration before we got to the party. So I was trying to figure a way to lighten the atmosphere a little. 

We got most of the way to her friends house and I thought I knew where we were going, so I turned down a road to the house. She sat up straighter and I realized I was not going the right way. 

"Opps thought this was where we were going." I looked at the GPS and adjusted course.

"I would rather puke my guts out then go to her house."

"But, I thought you two were good friends."

"We were, until the summer. I don't want to talk about it."

I kept my mouth shut.

After a bit, "They have rebel flags all over the house and are prejudiced and homophobic. They use the 'N' word and talk about fags and how they hurt everything important to their way of life."

"But they have cute dogs, right?"

This made her smile a bit, "Yeah but..."

My Runtyun went on to talk about some of the things they said and what assholes they were. Finally, she talked herself out and silence filled the van as we drove to the right house.

Finally I said, thinking this could be a real moment. Actually, I thought the words that were going to come out of my mouth were pretty profound. "You know that racial prejudice and homophobia are expressions of fear, right?”"

Without even a moments hesitation she said, "That's true. But it's no excuse right?"

I had no reply.

olc

I Hate Growing Up

Through out my whole life, I have sneaked peeks at girls and women. Yes, I know it is adolescent and voyeuristic. I thought I was getting away with it...o little did my self delusional self know... After a while I became a little more aggressive in decolletage viewing and enjoying the view as they walked past me. 

 However, I began to look up and see the disapproving look in their faces.

 It did not bother me too much, being a teenage boy. The habit just grew and has actually been an impediment in some relationships. Yet I persisted: old habits die hard.

 

 Now though, my Runtyun is getting a little older and developing in many ways. This pervert is NOT that perverted. Then I started to think about how I was objectifying the female body. Of course then I started to think how others will look at my little girl.

 I have made a decision. I will make every effort not to take advantage of unplanned glampes down unsuspecting shirts and blouses and receding derriere. So I am growing up a little.

 I had a delivery this week of some heavy freight, 8 boxes of exercise equipment, two of which were too much for me to handle alone.

 Phone conversation with the customer:

 "This is the courier and I have some freight for you."

 

 "Great! When will you be here."

 "About a half an hour. There are two boxes that I'll need help with. Are there some people there to help lift?" Was my reply.

 "Well I'm here and my partner too, but no men."

 "I really don't care if you are male or female. Just as long as you are strong."

 She said something about her being a substantial person and indicated she could help. 

 "Great! See you soon."

 I got to the  site and pulled up. The customer came out and I saw she was indeed a woman who looked very strong. She had a loose fitting blouse on and I had to remind myself not to take advantage and look down it. Six times I had to turn away!

 We got the freight off the van and I left. For about 30 seconds I felt good about myself, exalting in my goodness. Then I realized I had missed out in admiring the beauty of the woman. 

 I hate growing up!

olc

Out of the mouths of babes

The other day, the Runtyun and I were getting ready to do something, I forget what, and I was chillin’ on the couch. She kept on finding things she needed to do to get ready and kept sayin she was almost ready. I have heard this song and dance before, so I pulled my phone out and started surfing around.

She could tell that I was getting impatient at one point and said she was almost ready.

“No problem, my little Runtyun, I have all the patience in the world for you. Take your time.” I sighed and went to FaceBook.

“No you don’t, you want to go now,” was her reply.

Of course she was right about that, but I said, “Oh Sweet Stuff, how can you say that? Take your time, you need to be comfortable in your skin. I am patient.” I turned back to WOOT.com.

“Daddy you are not being patient, you are distracting yourself.”

Out of the mouth of babes!

olc

An Interesting Conversation

My  Runtyun and I live in a physically sheltered area. Our current domicile is a little remote and there are no kids close to us. So, I go off to work and she stays at home and does stuff there until I return. She reads and plays video games. When it rains she goes outside and dances.

As a consequence when I get home, she is ready for some company, I am not much for talking. I have learned to drag a few words out and actually converse a little. My kid is pretty perceptive and understands me. On occasion, and I want to build the habit more, we cook supper together. Actually, she found a recipe for vegitarian lasagne with artichoke hearts and spinach which we did together. 

The time we spent doing the recipe was time I will not soon forget. As most who know me, you know I was a cook for a long time. Most guys who do what I did are part timers who are trying to work their way through school. I thought it would be a career. As a consequence I learned how to look at a recipe and make it better. However, during this time with the Runtyun I wanted to teach her how to do the procedure the way it was written. Following a recipe is harder than one may think!

She cooked the lasagne well and we had dinner and lunch for a couple of days. While I had a kid who was glowing with the feeling of success.

The other day, or night actually, I was getting ready for bed, but fate had another plan for the Runtyun and me. The truth is I have been feeling the need to have some kind of talk with her. I am a little distant and find it difficult to have a prolonged conversation with any one. Yet, this time was as close to a perfect moment as one could ever ask for.

We talked about many things. Actually, I made the conscience decision to let her have the reins and see where the conversation went. I further decided to ignore my fatigue and give her all of my attention. For over an hour we went back and forth, just plain talking. Neither one of us looked at or played with any of our electronic mind numbers. At one point though, the computer let us know it was 11:00 and my kid said that her tired old Dad needed to get some rest. We talked for another 20 or so minutes.

Who needs rest in the middle of a perfect moment?  

I finally went to sleep and had one of the most restful sleeps in ages.

I wish I had something profound to take away from these two occasions, but I don't. I merely relearned that my Runtyun is a person and needs to be treated like one. Perhaps the most satisfying thing I heard my Runtyun say goes something like this, "You know Daddy, we think a lot alike." Aside from the automatic sarcastic quips one can come up with, what she said validated most of what the ordeals of parenthood and some of the better, and more difficult decisions I have made as a parent and a man.

I just hope that some of the wisdom I impart to her will help her be a better person than her father ever could imagine himself to be.

olc

School tests and my failure

Well, it is the end of the school year and time for the kids to see what they have learned. Or as I see it, just how much I have failed in making sure The Runtyun  actually learned something and did her homework.

As you may tell, I am not pleased with how things are going right now. A lot has to do with The Runtyun's drive to do the things she is supposed to, pay attention in school, complete her homework assignments, etc. As much as her ability to do those things is important, it is my responsibility as a father to instill  in her the desire to do them. I am not doing so well in that regard.

I like the way they are tested nowadays, though. The first part is an online set of ten tests that give some kind of base line to work with and reviews what they have learned over the past school year. Unfortunately, we did not understand the due date. Luckily, the teacher emailed me and let me know the situation. Now, here we are aware, and The Runtyun is working very hard to get caught up. I hear her huffing and puffing her way through the testing regimen. She is getting frustrated, but she is keeping at it. She has gotten herself in a situation that is difficult to get out of, yet she will not quit.

I do not like that we are in this situation,  but it makes it easier to know that the Runtyun is trying so hard to make it right. I have sweetened the pot for her to complete the work by saying we will go camping if she can get the work done by a certain time. It will be only one night out, but she seems be working toward that goal.

She is a good kid and I really think she is smarter than I ever was, now I just need to instill in her the drive to work at, and accomplish her goals. Though I never did well in school, I have always been motivated to finish a goal. I hope I can find a way to teach her this characteristic. “Just don't quit because the task in front of you seems insurmountable.” No, that does not work. Try this instead, “If the job ahead is too hard to do, then break it down into easier steps.”

Those words are so easily said, yet so hard to do.

'Nough said.

olc 

tuff decisions

I have a tough series of decisions to make about the future of my daughter's spiritual life. We live in an area that has few other kids close by and I don't get home until supper time. This leaves The Runtyun alone for a long time during the day. This is not a very good situation for her. She just sits around reading and stewing. Not producing anything beneficial for anyone, much less herself.

I had hoped that she would find it within herself to become motivated to do something, anything to better herself. I have given her projects to do, subjects to learn about, in general things to help her to be occupied while alone. She likes to read. Her ability to sit and read is phenomenal, yet useless. I need to find a way to turn that ability into something productive, without my looking over her shoulder and motivating her.

We have worked our way into the Big Brother, Big Sister program. Like her Dad, it took one try to get it right. We went through one Big and found a good match the second time around. So we have some positive action going on.

During a recent meeting with her school counsellor, Ms. Mackey and Mentor, Ms. Nettles, a youth group was suggested called Young Life.  I have done a little research on this group and though it was sold to me as a non religious group, they seem to have very strong Christian influence. 

And of course this is where I my have my problem. I have talked about my beliefs before, so I will not belabour it too much, after all this is about The Runtyun, not me. I do have some reservations about putting her into another Christian oriented youth group. Two specifically. The first is how will it work with her EYC at All Souls? Will there be a conflict between the two beliefs and how can we deal with it? In all honesty, I am quite happy with what goes on with her EYC and am not trying to replace it, but I want to get her out and interacting with more kids her age.The second is a little more profound to me. Do I really want to push her into another Christian group when my belief is so profoundly antagonistic toward religion? What kind of message does this send to her?

Simply stated, Confusing.

So this is the conundrum I have. Does anyone out there have anything to say? Any suggestions, or insights?

olc

Pregnancy and the Dead

A few days ago I was preparing supper and as usual, I had the radio on NPR, a story came up about a mother who was pregnant in Texas. She is brain dead. The hospital says it cannot remove the woman from of their machines because of her pregnancy. A couple links: http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/01/24/munoz-pregnant-brain-dead-life-support/4839839/  http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/jan/24/texas-judge-hospital-life-support-brain-dead-pregnant-woman

The story must have caught The Runtyun's attention because she wondered into the kitchen and hovered around not saying anything. I thought, "Wow, we might get some time together without T.V. or other distractions.” So I went over to the radio and started to turn it off.

"What are you doing? I'm listening to that." So much for talk time, but I thought maybe this could be OK too.

We listened to the story, what a sad past two months this guy and his family has had. His wife, Marlise Munoz, his name is Erick, was laying on the floor unconscious for an unknown amount of time when he found her at 3:00 or 4:00 A.M.. She is pregnant, so because of the lack of oxygen the fetus too, is in danger. 

She was deeply engrossed in the story. This behavior from the Runtyun is unusual and I thought maybe we could learn something from this sad tale. So I broached the topic before she could escape back to her enclave, also known as her room.

"What do you think about that?" I asked.

"It's so sad."

"How so," I asked hoping we could have a little talk and maybe I could begin to see how she feels about morality and stuff.

Silence.

She began to back out of the kitchen, but I caught her with, "What do you mean sad? Is it because she is not responsive? Or, that she is pregnant?"

She looked at me and I knew she did not know how to put her thoughts into words, so I prodded a little. "You know it must be really difficult for her husband. I can't imagine what the guy must be going through in his head. He knows she is dead, yet he has to watch her in that hospital room."

She still could not say anything.

Finally I said, "What do you think they should do?"

"Let her go. She’s dead, the baby probably will not make it and her family is suffering because the hospital is too scarred to do anything," she said with passion.

A couple days went by and every time the story came up, I noticed that her ears perked. She listened to it. I was distracted by something else, but asked a little while later what was happening. The Runtyun said no, clearly disturbed by the story. “Why can’t they just let her go. She is already dead in her brain, the baby will come out badly handicapped and the family will have to deal with that pain.”

"Not to mention the pain of having lost his wife and being reminded of her every time he looks at the baby,” I added.

Over NPR, we got word the Texas courts declared the woman dead and the hospital was ordered to take her off the ventilators. Finally the family could start to mend. I actually felt a weight slip off my shoulders. I went to The Runtyun’s enclave, also known as her room, and informed her of the latest detail.

I was not surprised to see a big sigh of relief. She mouthed, “Thank God.” I saw she was really concerned for the woman and her surviving family.

I asked her how she felt, and she asked, “Why did it take so long?”

I tried to explain about the sanctity of life and that some feel that no matter what science and tests say, they feel every fetus deserves a chance at life. I told her that there are those who believe so profoundly that every pregnancy should go to term no matter what the circumstances or consequences that nothing else mattered. Some feel it is a mandate from God this should happen. While others use the law to force it. 

“But what about the family? Don’t they have a say?”

“The law is the law,” I said, playing the devil’s advocate. 

I wish I could say we went into a profound conversation about religion and how some use it and the law to manipulate how others think and act, but we started to talk about something else, and I felt it best to let it go for now. I know this subject will bounce around her brain for a while and maybe she will be able and trusting enough to talk with me. Mostly though, I hope I can give the moral guidance she will be looking for.

olc

What are you Thankful for?

I am thankful for my daughter, she helps me to find my smile.

Good night

I just put my little Runtyun to bed. We talked a little, then I said good night and started to leave her room. She said, "where's my hug?" So I turned and gave her a Big Daddy Goodnight Hug and kiss. She made that funny smile. I left with a smile. through the door I heard, "I love you, Daddy."

No matter what kind of shit goes on during the day, I get to say good night to my little girl. I am a lucky guy.

olc

A great and Wonderful Day!

A great and Wonderful Day!

Recently I had the privilege to attend a ceremony celebrating the rise to Deacon-hood of a very special person. Though I do not participate in her religion, The Runtyun does. Milly leads the youth ministries at the church the runtyun attends and the two have connected in a very powerful and positive way.

Though I do not participate in their religion, I can appreciate the dedication Milly had in accomplishing her goal. She will be a shining light to all those who know her.

This post is not about Milly’s accomplishment, it is about ME!, and my relationship with the higher power. Please notice that I did not say God, or any of the other names relating to a superior all knowing being, or creator.

When The Runtyun started going to church, I felt it was my duty to be there, after all she was young and needed her Daddy nearby, or maybe I needed it. I felt it was be good for her on many different levels; she would be with kids her own age, she could spend time learning something that is a basis for our society, and maybe even get a little moral development tossed in. 

Since that day so many years ago, she has developed into a fine young lady. One day, I asked her if she wanted to continue her relationship with the church and choir. I tried to explain that it would be a commitment for the rest of her school years and that I would enforce it every time she wanted to stay home and sleep in. We have had a couple of times when the desire to sleep has beaten her need to attend, finally I convinced her of the importance of going.

I still have to get her to church and when her choir sings I attend the service...well sometimes anyhow. When I do go to the service, I stand and sit on cue, I’ll read and listen to the passages that are recited, and contemplate questions running around my brain. Sometimes I’ll concentrate about a story or blog I am writing, and as such I am not really involved in the service.

One of the questions I ponder is what am I teaching my kid by my lack of Christianity and not being a participant, yet making her go and participating in the very thing I rebel against?

I know what I want to be teacher her, but is that the lesson she is getting?

olc 

Facebook, and Friending And Spanking

I was unfriended by some one on Facebook the other day. While no one wants this to happen, most of the time it is of no consequence. We "meet" people online and in Facebook all the time and mostly these things are of no consequence. However, sometimes we find some one and we follow and develop a friendship, or a common bond. The Samuality provided a source of information on many different subjects and he also was a source of really cool cosplay photos. Being a middle aged guy, who likes fantasying about being a hero with scantily clad hotties around him, I appreciated this.

Lately anti-bullying has been very prominent in the media. Churches, schools and various civic groups have been strongly advocating ways to mitigate bullying practices. As a parent I am concerned with this as my child is going to public school and a big portion of the problem takes place there. Our disassociation was not related to our feelings concerning in-school bullying, but from a profound disagreement in parenting practices.

In a nutshell, I think the Samuality believes that touching a child in a corporal manner, to enforce a matter of discipline, is tantamount to beating and abusing one's child. We are talking about spanking here. I am of the opinion that spanking is a proven way to enhance positive disciplinary techniques.

The Samuality has some very strong feelings on this subject, as do I. Having said that, I acknowledge that I was on his site and disagreeing with him on a very emotional subject. It is true that he has the ability and "right" to unfriend me for any reason. I have seen him do this on a few occasions and for the most part I either agreed with the banishment or did not have a strong enough opinion to make a stand. (no it as not because I was being wishy-washy on a subject. There are times when I do not have enough information on a subject to feel comfortable in making a stand. Discipline and punishment however, is a subject I can talk about.)

I did a little research on the subject and have taken notes from three articles, The Great Spanking Debate, Disciplinary Spanking: When and How to Use It  and AMERICAN ACADEMY OF PEDIATRICS

Guidance for Effective Discipline. It turns out that the general consensus on the subject ranges from, "It is a bad thing to spank your child, we need a kinder gentler world and we need to bring up our children in a manner that reflects that attitude." to, "We need to toughen up our children so they will be ready for the cruel world out there."

Of course I fall someplace in the middle.

In my research I saw every one agreeing that it is the parents job to bring their child up in a responsible manner. Some say it is irresponsible to hit one's child because it fosters aggressive behavior and violence. The reasoning goes something like, my parents hit me, so I can too, and I can hit other people too. The other side of the argument says something like I need to get my kid's attention and this is the only way to do it. 

I am not going into the subject of over zealous parents who abuse their children. They should have the same brutality meted out to them.

In the three articles I read the consensus was corporal punishment should be administered  only when every other means of discipline were exhausted. Just as importantly, the expression of it should be done in an unexcited manner. The parent should never do it as a form of revenge. In my case as a parent, I told my child that if she did not stop doing something then she would be spanked. This of course was after repeated attempts to stop her aberrant behavior. She was given two chances to stop the behavior and when the third one came she would be spanked with little notice. Something like, “I have told you to stop and you have not, now I will spank you and you will stop it." I was very lucky with my Runtyun and had to do it only once or twice.

This kind of augmentation of verbal discipline is OK, in my humble opinion. But when a parent uses spanking as the primary form of teaching a child, then we see the escalation of the child turning to the dark side, i.e. anger against their parents, and bullying others.

What I am saying is spanking, if done with care and parental judgment and not in anger or with malice, is a positive way to enforce a parents will on their child. Now if there are those out there that think a parent does not help to form a child into a responsible adult and that sometimes the kid does not want to do what he is told, then we DO have a problem.

I need to make myself clear here, there is a huge difference between disciplining a child and beating one. Discipline is a standard developed by the parent, while abuse is a parent's inability to control their own temper.

Now back to my unfriending by the Samulality. Honestly Sam, I see your action as a form of bullying. You want me to think in only your way and if I don't, I will be forced out of your little club. (A form of bullying)

I will miss your postings and even your friendship, but I do not accept your hypocrisy.

At least one good thing happened because of this situation, I did a little studying and bolstered my feelings concerning soaking.

olc

This Morning

This morning the Runtyun and I had our usual "It is time to get up" battle. It is Sunday and though I do not participate in an organized religion, she does.

The Runtyun is a member of the choir and attends Sunday school at the cathedral. She is also a member of the church's EYC, a group that teaches religious issues, but also encourages the kids give back to the community. When she was much younger and I felt the need to have her join the choir, it also seemed like the right thing to do to have her go to Sunday school. She is now the longest standing member of that choir. I rationalized this thinking by understanding she would socialize and perhaps learn some valid moral lessons.

When she entered the sixth grade, I felt she had grown enough to make a few of her own decisions and gave her the option of leaving the choir and not going to Sunday school any more. For me either way worked; if she decided to stay, I would be able to spend time at my favorite coffee shop and do a little writing, if she stopped I could stay at home and use that time for writing in an undisturbed environment, or just lazing around on Sunday morning doing chores. For the runtyun, there was a more profound lesson involved. Not one of religious conviction, though if she gets her spiritual connection at the church, I am OK with it, but one of commitment. The lesson she should learn is that when we decide to commit to something we need to stay with it, even if we are tired and want to sleep in.

When I started the long process of waking her up this morning. She said she did not want to go to Sunday school. I have to say it was tempting to go with it. After all I could work on my story undisturbed and we could then do something in the afternoon. I had the little guys on my shoulders, one saying, "It's OK, you really want to stay home, she will be sleeping for a long time and you can work on that story." The other looked across it me and said, "Nonsense. The whole reason she goes to Sunday school is to show her the need to follow through. C'mon get her going and let's get this party started."

After much moaning and groaning the mound in the bed finally rolled out and we embarked on today's journey.

olc

She got caught

I have been having some issues with the computer lately which culminated in a trip to the computer hospital, Charlotte Street Computers. I HAD NO COMPUTER! This is a very significant loss for me. I have been using a computer as a crutch for various addictions for a while and as a result have formed a bit of an addiction to it. A kinder word is passion or maybe dependance. 

The upstart from my forced abstinence from computing is I had time to find a away to redirect my energies from the ether to something else. It turns out I have everything of consequence in that evil electronic box. At least as for as work and my writing delusions goes. 

I Looked into various options and decided the best thing would be for me to work off of The Runtyun’s system and see if my parents might let me use one of their ChromeBooks. For a New York Minute. My parents are saints.

However all those things are topics for another conversation at another time.

I decided to take advantage of the opportunity and spend a few minutes on The Runtyun’s computer and clean it up. I went through all the typical steps, checking updates, cleaning the caches and defraging the hard drive. Then I got into her browsing history. I figured I could clean the caches, histories, even scan for maul ware and make the whole thing operate a little faster.

That is when I found she had been misleading me or outright lying to me. She had a Facebook page and a Gmail account I was not aware of.

I was hurt, angered and almost felt soiled by this betrayal. I repressed the urge to confront her about this transgression on the spot, yet she could see something was bothering her Daddy. When she first asked me, “What’s bothering you, Daddy?” I denied any angst, and said I was merely tired from work. A little later though, she asked again and I confessed that I was very upset with her but could not talk about it yet. I told her that it was serious but did not want to go into it then because I would start yelling and preaching. We both knew nothing good would come from that. So my overly mature 12 year old let it go. 

She had started a Facebook account without my consent, even worse she had done it after I had told her I would get one for her! Yeah we all know I procrastinate a lot, yet when a Father says not to do something we expect compliance.

I was hurt and mad and felt betrayed to boot. Mostly though I knew I could not talk about it without loosing my temper. So I let it stew a minute.

When I went to the computer hospital, I mentioned my dilemma and they suggested a couple of different programs to look into including one called Kiddlogger at Kidlogger.org. I looked it up and am impressed. There is a free version with limited capability that seems to be everything I need to track The Runtyun’s movement on the 'net.

After a couple of days I had sorted my thoughts and found a little balance in my thinking and figured out a strategy in dealing with her transgression. I tightened the security on the windows machine and created a new user account on the Mac. I have not loaded the Kidlogger software on anything yet, mostly because I have issues with time....so much to do and so little time to do it in, yet I learned a little about how to track usage on a computer. I also know that my kid is basically a good kid and will do what she is told. She got impatient with her old man and went ahead and did what I told I would do instead of waiting for me to, “Get to it”.

My thinking is excessively slow sometimes, to the chagrin of more than me, finally though, I came up with a plan that may seem obvious to any one, and truth is, I saw this path from the beginning but wanted to let it settle before implementing it.

We went for a walk the other night and I confronted her with her transgressions. There were so histrionics, just calm talk and explanations. I could tell she was nervous, I however, was Fatherly. I told her what she had done and asked if there was anything else I should know. “No” was her answer. Gotta take that one on faith for now

I told about the key tracker program I will be putting on all the toys and that I would know everything she did from then on. She called me a stalker. I laughed and told her no I was not a stalker, it was my job to make sure she was not doing stupid. I also tried to explain to my naive waif that there are those out there could do silly things to her online. I think she got a little of what I was trying to say.

I truly love my little Runtyun, but this transgression of trust shocked me. It told me a little about the cocoon of unreality that I have spun around our relationship. It told me that my little girl is going to test me and learn things in ways that I may not approve of, yet I’ll need to adapt to them and grow with her. 

olc

A Lesson Learned

The little one, aka The Runtyun, is going away to overnight camp for a week. (When I was going to over night camp at her age, we went for 2 weeks and I truly relished the time, learning some social skills only won from extended time away from home, yet I knew I was safe and would be going back soon. Now all the kids get is a short one week session. Well, I guess something is better than nothing.) We have been getting stuff ready and packing all week long in preparation for a week away from home. It has, for the most part, been a stress free process, but in the back of my mind I worried wether or not she has enough underthings to last.

Ever since she has realized that there is a difference between men and women, she has been even more cagy about her “private” clothes. As a consequence, I am never sure if she has enough socks, panties and stuff. We have made forays to various stores and I have enlisted clerks to help in the process of determining the right size and proper fit of certain “unmentionables” with little success. We have tried this in a few different places getting different responses from the sales people ranging from blushing giggles, to determined action. In almost every attempt, we have come to crashing defeat.

Yet, I had to get the kid something, but I did not want to go through all the drama involved in an underwear hunt.

I texted a friend who is young enough to remember what it was like, yet old enough to relate to me (Ashley, you are a good friend). We went back and forth, finally culminating in her offering to take my Runtyun out and finding what she needed. The implied sentiment seemed to be, “You are a man and have no idea what to do here.” :-}

I heard that message loud and clear, but I needed to get this done. So I went to the local department store and found a very nice older woman and plead my case. This genius woman lead me away from the balloon inflated bras poking off the hangers and over to the prepackaged, shrink wrapped aisle, a daddies haven, all the visuals gone. She pulled a 2 pack set that fit into the parameters, my friend had given me. Nirvana! She then showed me some camisoles and panties. I struck gold with this woman!

So, just what was the lesson I learned?

At first I thought a daddy knows best, was the lesson. Then I realized that asking friends for advise, and getting off the Daddy knows all stool was the real lesson.

Then the important one finally brightened my thinking brain. I am the father of a 12-going-on-32 year-old young woman. In this world of growing connectivity, we forget that a 12 year-old is still a 12 year old, they still have the innocence of the young even though they are exposed to so much more information then we had at their age.

They may rile against what their parents want them to do but the truth is, they still are learning and in need of a firm hand to guide them to maturity. Goodness knows, a 12 year-old can be head strong, even a know-it-all, but I think much of it is bluster: “I don’t need your help, Daddy, I know what to do, I know what I want, you merely hold me back, I can do it ALL, Daddy!”

I have known this for a while yet this time merely cemented the lesson: A Father, sometimes, knows the best. My next lesson in daddy-hood, is when I should assert and when to let her learn on her own.

Good luck to me!

olc