tuff decisions

I have a tough series of decisions to make about the future of my daughter's spiritual life. We live in an area that has few other kids close by and I don't get home until supper time. This leaves The Runtyun alone for a long time during the day. This is not a very good situation for her. She just sits around reading and stewing. Not producing anything beneficial for anyone, much less herself.

I had hoped that she would find it within herself to become motivated to do something, anything to better herself. I have given her projects to do, subjects to learn about, in general things to help her to be occupied while alone. She likes to read. Her ability to sit and read is phenomenal, yet useless. I need to find a way to turn that ability into something productive, without my looking over her shoulder and motivating her.

We have worked our way into the Big Brother, Big Sister program. Like her Dad, it took one try to get it right. We went through one Big and found a good match the second time around. So we have some positive action going on.

During a recent meeting with her school counsellor, Ms. Mackey and Mentor, Ms. Nettles, a youth group was suggested called Young Life.  I have done a little research on this group and though it was sold to me as a non religious group, they seem to have very strong Christian influence. 

And of course this is where I my have my problem. I have talked about my beliefs before, so I will not belabour it too much, after all this is about The Runtyun, not me. I do have some reservations about putting her into another Christian oriented youth group. Two specifically. The first is how will it work with her EYC at All Souls? Will there be a conflict between the two beliefs and how can we deal with it? In all honesty, I am quite happy with what goes on with her EYC and am not trying to replace it, but I want to get her out and interacting with more kids her age.The second is a little more profound to me. Do I really want to push her into another Christian group when my belief is so profoundly antagonistic toward religion? What kind of message does this send to her?

Simply stated, Confusing.

So this is the conundrum I have. Does anyone out there have anything to say? Any suggestions, or insights?

olc

Pregnancy and the Dead

A few days ago I was preparing supper and as usual, I had the radio on NPR, a story came up about a mother who was pregnant in Texas. She is brain dead. The hospital says it cannot remove the woman from of their machines because of her pregnancy. A couple links: http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/01/24/munoz-pregnant-brain-dead-life-support/4839839/  http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/jan/24/texas-judge-hospital-life-support-brain-dead-pregnant-woman

The story must have caught The Runtyun's attention because she wondered into the kitchen and hovered around not saying anything. I thought, "Wow, we might get some time together without T.V. or other distractions.” So I went over to the radio and started to turn it off.

"What are you doing? I'm listening to that." So much for talk time, but I thought maybe this could be OK too.

We listened to the story, what a sad past two months this guy and his family has had. His wife, Marlise Munoz, his name is Erick, was laying on the floor unconscious for an unknown amount of time when he found her at 3:00 or 4:00 A.M.. She is pregnant, so because of the lack of oxygen the fetus too, is in danger. 

She was deeply engrossed in the story. This behavior from the Runtyun is unusual and I thought maybe we could learn something from this sad tale. So I broached the topic before she could escape back to her enclave, also known as her room.

"What do you think about that?" I asked.

"It's so sad."

"How so," I asked hoping we could have a little talk and maybe I could begin to see how she feels about morality and stuff.

Silence.

She began to back out of the kitchen, but I caught her with, "What do you mean sad? Is it because she is not responsive? Or, that she is pregnant?"

She looked at me and I knew she did not know how to put her thoughts into words, so I prodded a little. "You know it must be really difficult for her husband. I can't imagine what the guy must be going through in his head. He knows she is dead, yet he has to watch her in that hospital room."

She still could not say anything.

Finally I said, "What do you think they should do?"

"Let her go. She’s dead, the baby probably will not make it and her family is suffering because the hospital is too scarred to do anything," she said with passion.

A couple days went by and every time the story came up, I noticed that her ears perked. She listened to it. I was distracted by something else, but asked a little while later what was happening. The Runtyun said no, clearly disturbed by the story. “Why can’t they just let her go. She is already dead in her brain, the baby will come out badly handicapped and the family will have to deal with that pain.”

"Not to mention the pain of having lost his wife and being reminded of her every time he looks at the baby,” I added.

Over NPR, we got word the Texas courts declared the woman dead and the hospital was ordered to take her off the ventilators. Finally the family could start to mend. I actually felt a weight slip off my shoulders. I went to The Runtyun’s enclave, also known as her room, and informed her of the latest detail.

I was not surprised to see a big sigh of relief. She mouthed, “Thank God.” I saw she was really concerned for the woman and her surviving family.

I asked her how she felt, and she asked, “Why did it take so long?”

I tried to explain about the sanctity of life and that some feel that no matter what science and tests say, they feel every fetus deserves a chance at life. I told her that there are those who believe so profoundly that every pregnancy should go to term no matter what the circumstances or consequences that nothing else mattered. Some feel it is a mandate from God this should happen. While others use the law to force it. 

“But what about the family? Don’t they have a say?”

“The law is the law,” I said, playing the devil’s advocate. 

I wish I could say we went into a profound conversation about religion and how some use it and the law to manipulate how others think and act, but we started to talk about something else, and I felt it best to let it go for now. I know this subject will bounce around her brain for a while and maybe she will be able and trusting enough to talk with me. Mostly though, I hope I can give the moral guidance she will be looking for.

olc

What are you Thankful for?

I am thankful for my daughter, she helps me to find my smile.

Good night

I just put my little Runtyun to bed. We talked a little, then I said good night and started to leave her room. She said, "where's my hug?" So I turned and gave her a Big Daddy Goodnight Hug and kiss. She made that funny smile. I left with a smile. through the door I heard, "I love you, Daddy."

No matter what kind of shit goes on during the day, I get to say good night to my little girl. I am a lucky guy.

olc

A great and Wonderful Day!

A great and Wonderful Day!

Recently I had the privilege to attend a ceremony celebrating the rise to Deacon-hood of a very special person. Though I do not participate in her religion, The Runtyun does. Milly leads the youth ministries at the church the runtyun attends and the two have connected in a very powerful and positive way.

Though I do not participate in their religion, I can appreciate the dedication Milly had in accomplishing her goal. She will be a shining light to all those who know her.

This post is not about Milly’s accomplishment, it is about ME!, and my relationship with the higher power. Please notice that I did not say God, or any of the other names relating to a superior all knowing being, or creator.

When The Runtyun started going to church, I felt it was my duty to be there, after all she was young and needed her Daddy nearby, or maybe I needed it. I felt it was be good for her on many different levels; she would be with kids her own age, she could spend time learning something that is a basis for our society, and maybe even get a little moral development tossed in. 

Since that day so many years ago, she has developed into a fine young lady. One day, I asked her if she wanted to continue her relationship with the church and choir. I tried to explain that it would be a commitment for the rest of her school years and that I would enforce it every time she wanted to stay home and sleep in. We have had a couple of times when the desire to sleep has beaten her need to attend, finally I convinced her of the importance of going.

I still have to get her to church and when her choir sings I attend the service...well sometimes anyhow. When I do go to the service, I stand and sit on cue, I’ll read and listen to the passages that are recited, and contemplate questions running around my brain. Sometimes I’ll concentrate about a story or blog I am writing, and as such I am not really involved in the service.

One of the questions I ponder is what am I teaching my kid by my lack of Christianity and not being a participant, yet making her go and participating in the very thing I rebel against?

I know what I want to be teacher her, but is that the lesson she is getting?

olc 

Facebook, and Friending And Spanking

I was unfriended by some one on Facebook the other day. While no one wants this to happen, most of the time it is of no consequence. We "meet" people online and in Facebook all the time and mostly these things are of no consequence. However, sometimes we find some one and we follow and develop a friendship, or a common bond. The Samuality provided a source of information on many different subjects and he also was a source of really cool cosplay photos. Being a middle aged guy, who likes fantasying about being a hero with scantily clad hotties around him, I appreciated this.

Lately anti-bullying has been very prominent in the media. Churches, schools and various civic groups have been strongly advocating ways to mitigate bullying practices. As a parent I am concerned with this as my child is going to public school and a big portion of the problem takes place there. Our disassociation was not related to our feelings concerning in-school bullying, but from a profound disagreement in parenting practices.

In a nutshell, I think the Samuality believes that touching a child in a corporal manner, to enforce a matter of discipline, is tantamount to beating and abusing one's child. We are talking about spanking here. I am of the opinion that spanking is a proven way to enhance positive disciplinary techniques.

The Samuality has some very strong feelings on this subject, as do I. Having said that, I acknowledge that I was on his site and disagreeing with him on a very emotional subject. It is true that he has the ability and "right" to unfriend me for any reason. I have seen him do this on a few occasions and for the most part I either agreed with the banishment or did not have a strong enough opinion to make a stand. (no it as not because I was being wishy-washy on a subject. There are times when I do not have enough information on a subject to feel comfortable in making a stand. Discipline and punishment however, is a subject I can talk about.)

I did a little research on the subject and have taken notes from three articles, The Great Spanking Debate, Disciplinary Spanking: When and How to Use It  and AMERICAN ACADEMY OF PEDIATRICS

Guidance for Effective Discipline. It turns out that the general consensus on the subject ranges from, "It is a bad thing to spank your child, we need a kinder gentler world and we need to bring up our children in a manner that reflects that attitude." to, "We need to toughen up our children so they will be ready for the cruel world out there."

Of course I fall someplace in the middle.

In my research I saw every one agreeing that it is the parents job to bring their child up in a responsible manner. Some say it is irresponsible to hit one's child because it fosters aggressive behavior and violence. The reasoning goes something like, my parents hit me, so I can too, and I can hit other people too. The other side of the argument says something like I need to get my kid's attention and this is the only way to do it. 

I am not going into the subject of over zealous parents who abuse their children. They should have the same brutality meted out to them.

In the three articles I read the consensus was corporal punishment should be administered  only when every other means of discipline were exhausted. Just as importantly, the expression of it should be done in an unexcited manner. The parent should never do it as a form of revenge. In my case as a parent, I told my child that if she did not stop doing something then she would be spanked. This of course was after repeated attempts to stop her aberrant behavior. She was given two chances to stop the behavior and when the third one came she would be spanked with little notice. Something like, “I have told you to stop and you have not, now I will spank you and you will stop it." I was very lucky with my Runtyun and had to do it only once or twice.

This kind of augmentation of verbal discipline is OK, in my humble opinion. But when a parent uses spanking as the primary form of teaching a child, then we see the escalation of the child turning to the dark side, i.e. anger against their parents, and bullying others.

What I am saying is spanking, if done with care and parental judgment and not in anger or with malice, is a positive way to enforce a parents will on their child. Now if there are those out there that think a parent does not help to form a child into a responsible adult and that sometimes the kid does not want to do what he is told, then we DO have a problem.

I need to make myself clear here, there is a huge difference between disciplining a child and beating one. Discipline is a standard developed by the parent, while abuse is a parent's inability to control their own temper.

Now back to my unfriending by the Samulality. Honestly Sam, I see your action as a form of bullying. You want me to think in only your way and if I don't, I will be forced out of your little club. (A form of bullying)

I will miss your postings and even your friendship, but I do not accept your hypocrisy.

At least one good thing happened because of this situation, I did a little studying and bolstered my feelings concerning soaking.

olc

This Morning

This morning the Runtyun and I had our usual "It is time to get up" battle. It is Sunday and though I do not participate in an organized religion, she does.

The Runtyun is a member of the choir and attends Sunday school at the cathedral. She is also a member of the church's EYC, a group that teaches religious issues, but also encourages the kids give back to the community. When she was much younger and I felt the need to have her join the choir, it also seemed like the right thing to do to have her go to Sunday school. She is now the longest standing member of that choir. I rationalized this thinking by understanding she would socialize and perhaps learn some valid moral lessons.

When she entered the sixth grade, I felt she had grown enough to make a few of her own decisions and gave her the option of leaving the choir and not going to Sunday school any more. For me either way worked; if she decided to stay, I would be able to spend time at my favorite coffee shop and do a little writing, if she stopped I could stay at home and use that time for writing in an undisturbed environment, or just lazing around on Sunday morning doing chores. For the runtyun, there was a more profound lesson involved. Not one of religious conviction, though if she gets her spiritual connection at the church, I am OK with it, but one of commitment. The lesson she should learn is that when we decide to commit to something we need to stay with it, even if we are tired and want to sleep in.

When I started the long process of waking her up this morning. She said she did not want to go to Sunday school. I have to say it was tempting to go with it. After all I could work on my story undisturbed and we could then do something in the afternoon. I had the little guys on my shoulders, one saying, "It's OK, you really want to stay home, she will be sleeping for a long time and you can work on that story." The other looked across it me and said, "Nonsense. The whole reason she goes to Sunday school is to show her the need to follow through. C'mon get her going and let's get this party started."

After much moaning and groaning the mound in the bed finally rolled out and we embarked on today's journey.

olc