The Talk

I finally had the talk with my Runtyun last night. No, not the one about sex and all that. The one which people of a different race and color than us have had with their kids. The one where parents feel the need to tell their kids how to act when a police officer gets involved in their immediate lives.

We are white, my daughter and I, and have enjoyed what is now being called "White Privilege." We live in a world which is in great turmoil. Police shootings and killings, while the victimized people are beginning to realize they can defend themselves. Oh now the blood begins to flow.

We live in a world struggling with racial identity, yet the young among us seem to not care, at least around here. The Runtyun's friends seem to be of all races and identities. I only wish those who influence their thinking could be as open minded. I know I still pigeon whole every one I see. Can you admit it too?

It is how we deal with our prejudices that matters.

Our talk, or my concern, was about what to do if a police officer interjects into their lives. But why should ANY parent have to have this talk with their kids?

I was brought up understanding, believing, the the police are unbiased and we can trust them to do the right thing. For the most part, perhaps that notion still holds true. It only takes a very small one percent to influence the thinking of so many of us what with 24 hour coverage and saturation of a single incident to make us believe every cop out there is out and gunning for us all.

How do we get beyond this impasse? It seems that my standard answer is education. But that solution is a generational one. What do we do TODAY?! Can our world, as we know it, make it beyond these shootings and bombings to be able to "Educate" our youth?

Right now, I just don't know.


olc

An uncomfortable moment

The Runtyun got caught doing bad.

I got a call the other day from her school. The happy voice on the phone identified herself as the Vice Principal for the ninth graders. She asked how was my day going. And I replied,  "Fine, until now."

This got a little chuckle from her and, "I understand."

It turns out that my little girl skipped out of her class using the excuse that she needed to use the restroom. It turns out that she was going to a liaison with a boy. 

She might have gotten away with it, but the school's security system ( It is a shame that we now have to use 1984esc. systems to protect our kids) recorded the whole thing.

Now this is disturbing on so many levels, but this post is not about her. It is about how I handled the whole thing. My first question: was she being coerced  into this thing: was the boy forcing her to kiss him?

No, I was told, it looked like she was participating voluntarily. Well, at least I don't have to do anything stupid.

The voice on the phone and I talked around the whole thing and I felt good about how the school was going to handle it. Finally, I asked the Vice Principal not to tell The Runtyun we had spoken on the phone. I wanted to see if she would come clean about it.

She failed that test. When I asked her if anything different happened at school. I got the normal response: "No, everything is cool." My heart hurt, but I said nothing.

On Saturday, I sent the vice principal a note asking how far they had gone in their showing of affection. I suggested that we could use the old time baseball metaphor, after all it worked in the old Meatloaf song, right?

I was told that nothing really happened. But while I was having this conversation, guess who came into the room. My cover was blown. Now not only did the Runtyun have to tell all, but so did her father.

I saw the fear in her eyes. I determined that I would not overreact. So I asked her what it was all about. She told me pretty much everything that my friend on the phone said.

I was not comfortable with her skipping out of class the way she did, and I let her know it. I told her it was OK to have a boyfriend, though a little confusing. As we talked, I could see she was relaxing, so was I.

I stressed the importance of being honest about all things, at all times, especially with her father.

What I did not do was yell at her, or denounce her as a lying bad person. I did tell her that I was disappointed in he for the deception.  Finally, we hugged and reminded eachother of our love.

olc

Another Conversation

I had to work very late last night and I asked my friend if the Runtyun could go over and hang until I got home. I finally completely accomplished my asigned tasks and got done with work. However, I was an hour later than I thought I would be. It was after 9:30 when I finally made it to get my kid. I was toast, yet happy to see my her. Sometimes just seeing her smile works wonders for my aching brain.

My friend has a child and we both are a little concerned that the two kids may get into trouble together. My friend has more concerns than me. However, they are legitimate and I respect her. Yet, I trust the Runtyun when she says nothing untoward is going on, I believe her. 

When we got home though, I felt the need to have a few words and decided to say a some "profound" things and strengthen the inhibitions I think already exist in her thinking. I wanted to take a different tact than usual, so I tried a  different angle. I related a story from my past and tried to create a parable.

While we were settling in, we talked. The wonderful thing about this moment was the interaction between us that did not carry any words. I was cutting a cantaloup for the next day and she was helping with no encouragement from me and...she was listening to me.   

I told my wonderful daughter about my breakup from Donna. I explained that she always thought that I was going to cheat on her and lie about it. Now, I know that I constantly flirted with women, but explained that I never went further than that. I loved Donna, still do, but could not help my "bad" behaviour. I never did more than talk, nor did I want to. Unfortunately, I could never get my feelings understood.

I was bombarded with accusations, silent and overt. I was shallow and did not realize the needs of the wonderful woman whose heart I was breaking. In my selfish thinking I thought I was doing the right thing, silly me. After a time I got tired of the constant attempts at guilt and finally understood that neither of us was going to change. It was the constant accusations and my inability to grow out of my selfish behaviour that finally broke me. I failed in our relationship and finally gave into temptation.

At this point in our conversation between the Runtyun and me, I tried to bring the conversation back to my attitude toward her relationship with her friend. I explained again my concerns and got the eye rolling thing teens give their parents and asked to her to hear me out.

All the while, we are interacting with no words. I would look at her and she knew what I wanted, or she would look at me with a question, while I answered with a motion.

Finally, I told her that I trusted her, but sometimes felt the urge to remind her what is good and not so good behaviour, or acceptable and not. I told her that she is old enough to know what I expect, but that I wanted to remind her EVERY TIME I saw her, yet held back from doing so. I told her I knew that may just push her into doing the things I did not want her to do.

She said she understood what I was trying to say and that I could trust her. She want on to say that she really liked her friend and thought she liked her in return, but....

And this is where she lost her words. I let her stumble around a bit. Then silence. After a bit, I suggested that they could ruin a very special thing if they were not careful. The tension and anxiety seemed to flow from her. And she said, "Yeah."

I reminded her how special they both are. I told her they were both going through a stage in life and needed each other to get through this part of their lives and how tragic it would be if they ruined their friendship by doing an impulsive thing.

We hugged. I washed my face and collapsed into bed. After a minute, she came into my room to say good night and tried to leave. I called her back for a good night kiss and she said, "Boy you sure are needy tonight, Dad."   

olc

On Father's Day Two Thousand and Fifteen

He is a gentle soul, my Father. A man of even temperament. My Father is a thoughtful man. One whom I wish to emulate in so many ways. He is a caring person, one whose patience and empathy are profound forces of character, ones in which I wish to reflect.

My Father over the years, has taught me the real meaning of Love and tolerance. Yet, his Love was there for me to learn from. Throughout all of my trials in life, my Father has supported me, never judging me, though his hand was ever on my shoulder gently trying to guide my way to a better life.

Often times I ignored his wise manner, yet I have become a better man/father because of him. If my life is a reflection of the man, than I need to re-polish the mirror and correct the distortions and aberrations my life has slung upon his life's reflection.

Due to his compassion, patience and love, my life and the future of my beautiful daughter is bright. He has shown us support when most would have thrown their arms up in despair. During my travels through life, I have gone down many dead-end trails, yet he has, with the help of his wonderful wife, my mother, always been at the junctions to help me find my way back.

   

This is your day Dad, and I am truly thankful to be able to spend time with you and revel in the Love that our family feels.

Thank you Sir, for being the man that you are and showing me the way to be a better father and man.

With Love and respect your son, Neil

olc

A conversation

The Runtyun and I had been going at it a little over the past few days. I did not like some of the things she had been doing, blaming others for problems she could have averted. Generally, she was being passive and blaming it on others. I did not have the words to make her understand my frustration. The tension was tight and words had been said. I want her to understand that she needs to take ownership of difficult situations and not "Be a Victim."

Well, the truth is, I let things sit in my brain and they fester and grow infected and sometimes they burst like a boil pinched out by a bored teenager. Frankly, I was tired of her pushing her problems on me and then doing nothing to make it right and I let her know in no uncertain terms of my frustrations.

A sleepover with a friend was in the works and I encouraged her to go. It does not take much to get her to go to these things, even at the best of times. But, I was a little concerned that she might not be able to let loose of her anger and frustration before we got to the party. So I was trying to figure a way to lighten the atmosphere a little. 

We got most of the way to her friends house and I thought I knew where we were going, so I turned down a road to the house. She sat up straighter and I realized I was not going the right way. 

"Opps thought this was where we were going." I looked at the GPS and adjusted course.

"I would rather puke my guts out then go to her house."

"But, I thought you two were good friends."

"We were, until the summer. I don't want to talk about it."

I kept my mouth shut.

After a bit, "They have rebel flags all over the house and are prejudiced and homophobic. They use the 'N' word and talk about fags and how they hurt everything important to their way of life."

"But they have cute dogs, right?"

This made her smile a bit, "Yeah but..."

My Runtyun went on to talk about some of the things they said and what assholes they were. Finally, she talked herself out and silence filled the van as we drove to the right house.

Finally I said, thinking this could be a real moment. Actually, I thought the words that were going to come out of my mouth were pretty profound. "You know that racial prejudice and homophobia are expressions of fear, right?”"

Without even a moments hesitation she said, "That's true. But it's no excuse right?"

I had no reply.

olc

I Hate Growing Up

Through out my whole life, I have sneaked peeks at girls and women. Yes, I know it is adolescent and voyeuristic. I thought I was getting away with it...o little did my self delusional self know... After a while I became a little more aggressive in decolletage viewing and enjoying the view as they walked past me. 

 However, I began to look up and see the disapproving look in their faces.

 It did not bother me too much, being a teenage boy. The habit just grew and has actually been an impediment in some relationships. Yet I persisted: old habits die hard.

 

 Now though, my Runtyun is getting a little older and developing in many ways. This pervert is NOT that perverted. Then I started to think about how I was objectifying the female body. Of course then I started to think how others will look at my little girl.

 I have made a decision. I will make every effort not to take advantage of unplanned glampes down unsuspecting shirts and blouses and receding derriere. So I am growing up a little.

 I had a delivery this week of some heavy freight, 8 boxes of exercise equipment, two of which were too much for me to handle alone.

 Phone conversation with the customer:

 "This is the courier and I have some freight for you."

 

 "Great! When will you be here."

 "About a half an hour. There are two boxes that I'll need help with. Are there some people there to help lift?" Was my reply.

 "Well I'm here and my partner too, but no men."

 "I really don't care if you are male or female. Just as long as you are strong."

 She said something about her being a substantial person and indicated she could help. 

 "Great! See you soon."

 I got to the  site and pulled up. The customer came out and I saw she was indeed a woman who looked very strong. She had a loose fitting blouse on and I had to remind myself not to take advantage and look down it. Six times I had to turn away!

 We got the freight off the van and I left. For about 30 seconds I felt good about myself, exalting in my goodness. Then I realized I had missed out in admiring the beauty of the woman. 

 I hate growing up!

olc

Out of the mouths of babes

The other day, the Runtyun and I were getting ready to do something, I forget what, and I was chillin’ on the couch. She kept on finding things she needed to do to get ready and kept sayin she was almost ready. I have heard this song and dance before, so I pulled my phone out and started surfing around.

She could tell that I was getting impatient at one point and said she was almost ready.

“No problem, my little Runtyun, I have all the patience in the world for you. Take your time.” I sighed and went to FaceBook.

“No you don’t, you want to go now,” was her reply.

Of course she was right about that, but I said, “Oh Sweet Stuff, how can you say that? Take your time, you need to be comfortable in your skin. I am patient.” I turned back to WOOT.com.

“Daddy you are not being patient, you are distracting yourself.”

Out of the mouth of babes!

olc